IAAP Newsletter: The Unified Field
Vicki Barbour
Grief (Part Two of Four Parts)
In part one, I discussed the two main myths and misinformation around grief: Bury your feelings and replace the loss. In this part, I'll discuss what many people who are well–intentioned will say to grievers. Remember, grief is a natural emotion in response to a loss; it isn't an intellectual thought. Yet, we say or hear statements that may be true to the mind, but have no connection to the heart. "Be thankful you have another son." "He led a full life." "It's only a dog." It's true that my friend lived a full life, but he died at 35 and I would have much rather he lived another 35- plus years of a full life! And yes, it's true that Gonzo was a dog, but he was also a major part of the family providing unconditional love.
"It's God's will." "She's in a better place." Really? Maybe, but it still doesn't help the heart. How about this one? "You're never given anything you cannot handle." Or "You'll find someone else."
One of the worst things that one can say is, "I know how you feel." Each loss is SO unique. And each person's reaction is unique, even to the same loss. How you felt when your grandmother died may be completely different from how I felt when mine died. Or my sense of loss was totally different from my brother's when our uncle died. Each relationship is different. We don't really know how another is feeling. At best, we only know how we felt when we experienced the loss.
So what to say or do? You can ask what happened to cause the loss and then be fully present to listen without interruption, analysis, criticism or judgment. Pretend you're a heart with big ears and no mouth. Grievers aren't broken, they don't need to be fixed. Next part: STERBS (Short-Term Energy Relief Behaviors). Recommended reading: The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman.
—VB
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